My mom passed away less than a year ago and though everyone tried their best to show support, some attempts were better than others. I want to share this experience because, in the past, I have wondered how to comfort someone who lost a loved one. I even remember googling it!
It sounds strange, but this is the only thing that actually made me feel noticeably better. Some friends sent curated gift baskets filled with delicious charcuterie spreads. Others made delicious home cooked meals. Some even brought us a simple box of chocolates. Whatever it is, comfort food is a real thing. It helped and it showed support.
One of our distant family members was crying on my shoulder during my mom’s wake. Although, I appreciated her show of love and mourning for my mother, it made me feel that much worse. I remember I had to give her tissues and try to comfort her, which was difficult for me because I was trying to deal with my own grief. If you are trying to support someone who lost a loved one, try to be a strong positive presence for them and handle your own emotions at a different time.
I had many people ask “Do you need anything?” And yes I did, but I didn’t feel comfortable asking for help and grief is so complicated that you don’t even see what you need in the moment sometimes. A better thing to say would be “Can I come by and help you clean up?” or “What groceries do you need?” Or better yet just show up with some staples from the grocery store or come over and wash their dishes/do their laundry. Actions speak louder than words.
Share fond memories about the person who passed away and about their personality. There were so many moments that people shared which I had completely forgotten and it made me smile to remember. My sister and I spent a lot of time going through old photos and reminiscing about my mom’s character and what a wonderful woman she was.
I did not expect to see some friends present at the wake and also the mass the following morning, but people took off work and showed up. Just knowing that they were there to show support, without them needing to say anything, meant so much to my family and I. I think this is the most important and impactful action which can be done to help someone who is grieving, just show up for them. It really is that simple.
